Last night I ran off some pictures to send to Nathan, my youngest son, only to find that I haven’t got his address, I must have copied it somewhere off the Internet, but where is beyond me. I will have to get on line and take it down again next time I am in Yambol. I really feel good having Nathan’s up to date picture here, I only hope I can see him at some point, I would love him to come here and see me, but what do I do about my ex-wife if she brings him?
What a strange day!
I was wet, windy and very grey outside, not a pleasant day at all and the wind was turning to come from the North. By the end of the day it had completely turned and we now have a very cold blasting wind hitting my living room wall that faces it. It’s no wonder they don’t put windows on North facing walls.
Weather aside, I had to get on with things today, take my mind onto fields afresh. Work on why I am here and take this wonderful opportunity to grab my life with both hands and do what I have wanted to do all my life. Many times today I kept wondering from room to room waiting for something to happen, or for someone to tell me what to do, but nothing. No phone calls and no visits, I didn’t meet or speak to anyone today. The only communication was two texts on my mobile to tell me that Jane’s mobile contract had expired, so all the messages I send her over Christmas and New Year were not received. How do I feel? I don’t know, well, perhaps upset that I can’t express myself to her, but I cannot deal with the hope. Hope is the most distressing factor; if I knew there was no hope I have a foundation to springboard off. If I got an indication that it is all over forever, it would be hell but I would know. Not knowing whether there is hope is the killer, and I think Jane knows that.
Today I took all the photographs of Jane and put them in a filing box, this stops me looking and remembering. I took my wedding ring off thinking about putting that somewhere other than my wedding finger, but put it back on again giving it a kiss as I did. It’s so difficult letting go!
Jobs done today included taking down the Christmas tree, reorganising the room without it, whitewashing the wall where the wood burner pipe had leaked tar down, but will need another coat tomorrow. I realigned the tile against the outbuilding that prevents the rain from going into the foundations by getting rid of imperfect one and using those for the red brick road through the yard. It is looking much better now but still a long way to go.
Finally I got to look in the boxes with my teaching resources in that are in the summer house, more than enough to teach all age groups and felt quite confident with getting some work now. I will have to make some form of templates to set out objectives to be covered. Another matter is where do I teach? All will be discussed over the next few weeks when David and Heather come over tto help with the day to day running of Phil’s business.
Not much else to report today, but I am glad to say that I didn’t breakdown today, close on a couple of occasions but held back. Take each moment as it comes at this point. I looked at my diary today I haven’t been able to see, speak or communicate with Jane since August last year! I was shocked that it has been so long.
I return to my diary as I just had a realisation.
Here I sit sipping tea at 8:20 reading a book called ‘Two beers please, my friend will pay’ listening to a Puccini opera without feeling guilty about any of it. This would have never been allowed with Jane, she would have gone to bed sulking and me in the bad books. She would have wanted TV, she hated opera, questions would have been asked, "Why are you reading that?"
I would say, "I don’t know, I won’t read it if you don’t want me to."
So why am I still missing her so much?
She criticised every thing I did or said, questioned every move I make. I had to justify everything. Sometime you just do things without thinking about it, you just do it, what’s wrong with that? I have never had to think about doing things before I just did it. I will move a chair or table or turn a pot around slightly, you know how sometimes you just potter around with arranging things as you do, then I get, “WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?”
“I don’t know, I just did it,” I would say.
Why do I still miss her so much?
Walking the two dogs, they wouldn’t go where they are meant to and cross over to me, I get blamed for being there just walking. We swap positions the same problem happens where the dogs following me, and the leads get cross again, I get blamed again. I try to suggest we have the dogs in between us, but my idea is not even considered, as it was my idea. I get blamed again for just being there. I ended up hated walking the dogs with Jane, I was just in the way and an inconvenience.
Why do I miss her so much?
Love just isn’t enough for us, I have so much love to give but can’t. It builds up inside you. You want more than anything else to give it to the one you love but she isn’t there to receive it. This is why I miss her so much!
Some thoughts today hit me about trying to get over Jane, another woman perhaps, go back to the UK for a couple of days to confront Jane, (no guarantee I will find her though.) Carry on as I am? Do myself in? Ask my first wife back into my life? (No! No! I cannot be serious about this one, although it did enter my head for a split second!)
Which option would be best? Well on reflection, carry on as I am, the love I have to give will have to sit in me. The care I want to give will have to wait. The sharing of things is not possible at present and this is so alien to me. You have inside you so many good things that want to burst out and you cannot give any of it away. It would make many women very happy what I have to give, but sadly combined without money, so important in many women’s eyes from my experience, there isn’t much hope!
I also miss the woman in Jane! For us both we were each other’s first love and now maybe our last, what a tragedy. I will end there as it is too upsetting recalling what we had in every aspect.
Finally, ‘and now for something completely different,’ Rosa my neighbour had brought me some pickled gherkins and I tried them for the first time today. There were absolutely wonderful, crisp, not too tart with the vinegar, and very ‘moorish’. I had some for a supermarket a couple of weeks ago and had to throw them away they were so bad. Another fantastic experience food wise and this is something I can look forward to doing myself this year. My onion sets and garlic are now sprouting under the trellis; I can’t wait from spring and the planting season, along with the livestock to keep me busy.
What a strange day!
I was wet, windy and very grey outside, not a pleasant day at all and the wind was turning to come from the North. By the end of the day it had completely turned and we now have a very cold blasting wind hitting my living room wall that faces it. It’s no wonder they don’t put windows on North facing walls.
Weather aside, I had to get on with things today, take my mind onto fields afresh. Work on why I am here and take this wonderful opportunity to grab my life with both hands and do what I have wanted to do all my life. Many times today I kept wondering from room to room waiting for something to happen, or for someone to tell me what to do, but nothing. No phone calls and no visits, I didn’t meet or speak to anyone today. The only communication was two texts on my mobile to tell me that Jane’s mobile contract had expired, so all the messages I send her over Christmas and New Year were not received. How do I feel? I don’t know, well, perhaps upset that I can’t express myself to her, but I cannot deal with the hope. Hope is the most distressing factor; if I knew there was no hope I have a foundation to springboard off. If I got an indication that it is all over forever, it would be hell but I would know. Not knowing whether there is hope is the killer, and I think Jane knows that.
Today I took all the photographs of Jane and put them in a filing box, this stops me looking and remembering. I took my wedding ring off thinking about putting that somewhere other than my wedding finger, but put it back on again giving it a kiss as I did. It’s so difficult letting go!
Jobs done today included taking down the Christmas tree, reorganising the room without it, whitewashing the wall where the wood burner pipe had leaked tar down, but will need another coat tomorrow. I realigned the tile against the outbuilding that prevents the rain from going into the foundations by getting rid of imperfect one and using those for the red brick road through the yard. It is looking much better now but still a long way to go.
Finally I got to look in the boxes with my teaching resources in that are in the summer house, more than enough to teach all age groups and felt quite confident with getting some work now. I will have to make some form of templates to set out objectives to be covered. Another matter is where do I teach? All will be discussed over the next few weeks when David and Heather come over tto help with the day to day running of Phil’s business.
Not much else to report today, but I am glad to say that I didn’t breakdown today, close on a couple of occasions but held back. Take each moment as it comes at this point. I looked at my diary today I haven’t been able to see, speak or communicate with Jane since August last year! I was shocked that it has been so long.
I return to my diary as I just had a realisation.
Here I sit sipping tea at 8:20 reading a book called ‘Two beers please, my friend will pay’ listening to a Puccini opera without feeling guilty about any of it. This would have never been allowed with Jane, she would have gone to bed sulking and me in the bad books. She would have wanted TV, she hated opera, questions would have been asked, "Why are you reading that?"
I would say, "I don’t know, I won’t read it if you don’t want me to."
So why am I still missing her so much?
She criticised every thing I did or said, questioned every move I make. I had to justify everything. Sometime you just do things without thinking about it, you just do it, what’s wrong with that? I have never had to think about doing things before I just did it. I will move a chair or table or turn a pot around slightly, you know how sometimes you just potter around with arranging things as you do, then I get, “WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?”
“I don’t know, I just did it,” I would say.
Why do I still miss her so much?
Walking the two dogs, they wouldn’t go where they are meant to and cross over to me, I get blamed for being there just walking. We swap positions the same problem happens where the dogs following me, and the leads get cross again, I get blamed again. I try to suggest we have the dogs in between us, but my idea is not even considered, as it was my idea. I get blamed again for just being there. I ended up hated walking the dogs with Jane, I was just in the way and an inconvenience.
Why do I miss her so much?
Love just isn’t enough for us, I have so much love to give but can’t. It builds up inside you. You want more than anything else to give it to the one you love but she isn’t there to receive it. This is why I miss her so much!
Some thoughts today hit me about trying to get over Jane, another woman perhaps, go back to the UK for a couple of days to confront Jane, (no guarantee I will find her though.) Carry on as I am? Do myself in? Ask my first wife back into my life? (No! No! I cannot be serious about this one, although it did enter my head for a split second!)
Which option would be best? Well on reflection, carry on as I am, the love I have to give will have to sit in me. The care I want to give will have to wait. The sharing of things is not possible at present and this is so alien to me. You have inside you so many good things that want to burst out and you cannot give any of it away. It would make many women very happy what I have to give, but sadly combined without money, so important in many women’s eyes from my experience, there isn’t much hope!
I also miss the woman in Jane! For us both we were each other’s first love and now maybe our last, what a tragedy. I will end there as it is too upsetting recalling what we had in every aspect.
Finally, ‘and now for something completely different,’ Rosa my neighbour had brought me some pickled gherkins and I tried them for the first time today. There were absolutely wonderful, crisp, not too tart with the vinegar, and very ‘moorish’. I had some for a supermarket a couple of weeks ago and had to throw them away they were so bad. Another fantastic experience food wise and this is something I can look forward to doing myself this year. My onion sets and garlic are now sprouting under the trellis; I can’t wait from spring and the planting season, along with the livestock to keep me busy.
