Top 5 Reasons Why Rossi Won't Do F1

The old rumours about Valentino Rossi moving to Boremula One are doing the rounds again, even though we all know he won't do it. Here are the top 5 reasons why Vale will never lower himself to competing in F1.

1. MotoGP might be dull and predictable in the 800cc era, but Formula 1 makes it look like pure chaos. The whole F1 circus disappeared up its own rear end many years ago, turning to pit-lane "overtaking", and is now soul-destroyingly tedious to watch. Vale couldn't bear it.
   
   
2. Rossi is too interesting. F1 drivers make Dani Pedrosa look like the life and soul of the party. They are the most boring bunch of platitude-mouthing, smug, punchable dullards ever assembled outside of parliament.
   
   
3. F1 isn't customizable enough. A MotoGP rider gets to customize his leathers, which are on show all the time. Rossi's are covered in luminous yellow. MotoGP race numbers are also customized, like Rossi's huge yellow 46. F1 drivers get to customize the bits of their crash lid in between the corporate logos, and if they're lucky they get different coloured wing mirrors to their team mate. Their race numbers are all but invisible amongst the sponsorship decals. Too uniform for Valentino.
   
   
4. The F1 paddock is too obsessed with appearances. Drivers don't have their tubby former school pals to help them out, they have their inflatable blonde du jour standing in the garage pretending that she knows what's going on. Uccio just wouldn't fit in.
   
   
5. Rossi isn't good enough at tax evasion. This is the one area where F1 drivers truly excel. Witness Lewis Hamilton moving straight to Switzerland when he got famous. OK, Lewis told arrogant lies on a popular TV chat show about it being a move to avoid the paparazzi, becoming unpopular with the British public in the process, but he never took his eye off the goal of avoiding taxes. Rossi is rubbish at tax avoidance. He would be laughed out of the F1 paddock.
   

DVD Review: The Doctor, The Tornado & The Kentucky Kid

The festive season is on the way, and people are casting around for gift ideas, so here's a review of a MotoGP documentary DVD: The Doctor, The Tornado and The Kentucky Kid. It comes from the makers of the definitive MotoGP documentary, Faster. It's narrated by Ewan McGregor. It tells the story of MotoGP's return to the United States, at Laguna Seca in 2005.

This documentary is obviously aimed at the U.S. market, as it follows three American MotoGP riders: Nicky Hayden, Colin Edwards and John Hopkins. Alright, Hopper is English by blood and Edwards is half Australian (his Aussie dad is interviewed) but it's basically Yankocentric. Although Valentino Rossi appears in the title, there isn't anywhere near as much of him as of the three Americans.

While Faster followed MotoGP in the transitional period where 500cc 2-stroke bikes were being replaced by 990cc 4-stroke machines, The Doctor, The Tornado and The Kentucky Kid is centred on one race weekend in the 990cc era, giving it a different feel. It doesn't bother trying to introduce all of the racers and engineers, just sticks with its three main characters. That's no bad thing, as Nicky, Colin and Hopper are all hugely likeable and charismatic individuals.

The first part of the documentary introduces our three heroes, tells us how they got started in racing, talks to some of their family members, and describes the history of the Laguna Seca racetrack. Next it guides us through the practise and qualifying sessions. Finally, it shows us the race from the viewpoints of Nicky, Colin and Hopper.

This is where the documentary really shines. There is a great deal of on-bike footage, with voice-overs from the three lads and Valentino talking about what they were thinking at that stage of the race. The in-depth treatment makes the difference between this documentary and Faster. Having watched this year's series of 800cc snoozefests, it's great to see a good, honest 990cc race. Grumbling, torquey bikes and overtaking are the name of the game, and it's brilliant.

It isn't just an update to Faster, like Faster and Faster (which was packaged as part of a 2-disk set with Faster). It's a separate documentary that stands up on its own.

So, would I recommend it as a gift, or as something to put on your wish-list? In a word, yes. The Doctor, The Tornado and The Kentucky Kid is well worth having. It complements Faster nicely, and it makes you yearn for the 990cc era. The running time is a generous 1 hour 43 minutes, and there are plenty of DVD extras, especially with the 2-disk version. Any MotoGP fan will love it.

MotoGP Season Review

The MotoGP season got off to a start in the pitch black desert of the Losail track in Qatar at night time. Fortunately, somebody had the presence of mind to erect enough floodlights to illuminate most of the planet, and the bikes looked magnificent as the light glinted off them. The first surprise was that Yamaha had locked out the front row, the second surprise was that FIAT Yamaha's Valentino Rossi wasn't riding any of them, as he was way back in 7th on the grid, struggling with setup in his first race on Bridgestone tyres. His rookie team mate Jorge Lorenzo had incredibly taken pole in his first ever MotoGP qualifying session. In the race, Ducati's Casey Stoner took his time getting to the front, but then disappeared as usual. Jorge Lorenzo trailed him across the line in second place, with Repsol Honda rider Dani Pedrosa third. Andrea Dovizioso elbowed past Rossi to grab 4th place on the privateer Scot Honda, while James Toseland finished 6th on the Tech 3 Yamaha after ricocheting through the pack. Despite his Ducati team-mate winning the race, Marco Melandri was miles off the pace...

Jerez came next, the Southern Spanish track giving Jorge Lorenzo another pole position. Colin Edwards hit the headlines in qualifying after avoiding a lowside crash by digging his knee and elbow into the track and lifting the Tech 3 Yamaha back up. It was save of the season. When the red lights went out, Dani Pedrosa headed off into the wide blue yonder for a boring victory. Valentino Rossi took 2nd ahead of Lorenzo in 3rd. Stoner could only manage 11th after spending half the race flying off into the gravel, but still beat Melandri. Toseland took 6th place after bouncing off half the field again, annoying Dovi in particular...

Read the whole MotoGP Season Review at Motorbikesport.

WSBK Season Review

This has been a vintage year for the World Superbike championship, with Troy Bayliss bidding farewell to motorcycle racing by winning the WSBK title for the third time.

The season started in the desert at the bland, featureless Losail track in Qatar. It was a great start to the year, with Max Biaggi on the Sterilgarda Ducati immediately getting into a battle with Santander Yamaha's Noriyuki Haga. The battle ended when Max chopped Haga's nose off into a corner. The furious Japanese star lifted his left hand from the bars to remonstrate and promptly highsided, landing on his head. Troy Bayliss was riding like a madman, never using the same piece of astroturf twice, causing his team boss Davide Tardozzi to have kittens on the pitwall. The Aussie fought to the end with Max Biaggi, the Italian passing but running wide in the last corner, allowing Bayliss to cut back inside, taking a long look over his shoulder at Biaggi before taking the chequered flag. The second race saw Fonsi Nieto winning thanks to the sheer speed of his Suzuki on Losail's long straight, beating Ducati duo Ruben Xaus and Max Biaggi into second and third places...

Read my whole World Superbike Season Review at Motorbikesport.