What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Because he was on a roll.

Why did the student eat his homework?
The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

What did the cannibal order for take-out?
Pizza with everyone on it.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the cheesecake.

What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?
Launch meat.

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?
Close the door, I'm dressing!

Where does a bat eat his dinner?
On home plate, and he has a ball.

How can you make seven even?
Remove the "S".

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have such tiny ears.

Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He thought it was a high school!

If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jellybutton.

What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming?
"Here come the elephants!"

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
So he could be polyunsaturated.

What do mermaids have on toast?
Mermerlade

Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything

How do porcupines play leapfrog?
Very carefully.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

What did the egg say to the other egg?
Let's get cracking!

What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Mooo-ve over.

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
It was a chicken.

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station!

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling.

What would you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What pie can fly?
A magpie.

What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!

My mother came by to show off her brand-new Pontiac Grand Am.
My eight-year-old daughter took one look at the car and indignantly proclaimed, "They spelled grandma wrong!"

Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it has to have at least four characters."

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.
The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.
"Was it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."

Why did the baseball player get arrested?
For stealing the bases!

Why were the baseball players so hot & sweaty?
Because their fans went away!

Why is Cinderella a poor basketball player?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!

Why did the campers bring a baseball player with them?
To pitch the tent!

Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!

What kind of football player wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head!

Why did the golfer take a spare pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!

Why didn't the nose make the volleyball team?
He didn't get picked!

What is the biggest diamond in the world?
A baseball diamond!